Those Phrases from A Parent Which Saved Me as a Brand-New Dad

"I think I was merely trying to survive for twelve months."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of being a father.

Yet the actual experience quickly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… every stroll. The job of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get some help. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and start recovering.

His story is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While people is now better used to discussing the pressure on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his challenges are symptomatic of a larger reluctance to talk amongst men, who continue to absorb damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a display of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to ask for a pause - taking a few days away, away from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotions in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, profound emotional pain meant his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says repressing feelings led him to make "terrible choices" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he explains. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, confide in a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - eating well, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other new dads - sharing their stories, the messy ones, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the passing, having been out of touch with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the stability and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - managing the emotions in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, on occasion I think my purpose is to guide and direct you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am discovering just as much as you are in this journey."